Retort on Scorpions and No Sympathy from a Texan Expat

Sea Scorpion

Photo is of a sea scorpion.

Info by Glenn Koons

Ah shucks, Darrell, sorry to hear you got the nasty end of a scorpion.  Read it in the Nica Nuggets I did.  Ain’t nothin’ to worry about.  We have as many scorpions in Texas as you do mosquitoes.  And we got here abouts the baddest of the bad, the bark scorpion and the black scorpion.    Ain’t nothin to a little old sting from them there brown ones.  Our scorpions grow to 3 or 4 inches when they git a startin and can deliver a really bad punch.

That is why we hang our shoes upside down at night, always pull back the sheets and covers to see how many we have in the bed with us at night.  Sometimes we even will bet if there will be an even or odd number.  They travel in packs so they are rarely alone.  Gosh, a nest of them may have from 20 – 100 in it.  That is why you never, ever, gonna be a stickin yo hand in a dark space.   Shake out them there shoes before you go about putin your foot in there, even if they done been upside down all the whole night long.  Scorpions they love dark moist places inna da day cus they been huntin all the whole night long and you probably done somethin to get them all riled up.  They don’t care none to much for you and I’ll betcha you ain’t none too happy about dem there neither.

Did I mention that a scorpion will glow under a black light?  No kiddin.

OK, so you got a taste of the nasty little critters.  Now what?  Well I am a coming to that but hold on a minute pardner, you need to know a little mo about them there little critters first,  then I will tell you what we a gonna to do.  Bein’ from Texas we always take our time when telling a good story.

Severe symptoms include widespread numbness like you never felt before, lots of problems in gulpin, a thick tongue like the neck of a logger head turtle on a flat rock in the summertime, blurrie eyed vision, roving eye movements, seizures,  a lotta spit, and a tough time getting air in the old chest.  These here symptoms constitute a real life medical emergency of the first order.  Oh by the way death may occur.  Reassuring, ain’t it?   So you ain’t not too far in left field when you said you had some problems commencing far from where he done stung ya as a west Texas well rope.  Very normal.  Very normal.

If y’all are still with me I’m a gonna tell all y’ll, that’s plural for y’all, in case by now someone be a readin this to you I’m gonna be tellin y’ll how we fix up the treatment over here.

First get two fingers of Jack Black.  No you don’t get to drink it.   Shame on you.  We got a real emergency here and all you be a doin is thinkin about the sauce.   Dump that there glass of whiskey, what a shame to waste it,  I think that is what they call alcohol abuse, on the place where he done gottcha.  Did I mention the not only do scorpions glow under a black light but also can sting several times?  They don’t lose their stinger unless you done broke it off under y’alls skin, usually cuz you went on an did somethin dumb, like slap it.  You just gotta let them sting yuh.  They don’t like that none to much at all, all that slappin and all.  No sir they don’t.  Best just be a brushin them away before they lite  in one place.  Did yu know they can’t stink and crawl at the same time?  Sorta like walkin and chewin bubble gum, you gotta walk or chew gum, can’t do both at the same time.    Sting or move on.  Make up your mind.

Once he starts a stingin you just gotta be a real man and wait till he be done and then, easy now, I know you gonna want to get even but I’m a comin to that.  Just brush him outta the way to the floor.  Then stomp the vinegar outta him like a toad on the highway with yo good foot and say bad words.  The reason we be a standin on the bum foot is bout this time its a gonna commence to get real numb, and you ain’t gonna be a feelin nothin down there.  Thata teach him to mess with Texas.   With me so far?  Good if not you ain’t a gotta need to read no mo.

Let’s commence to get ready.  Second, did we have a first?  Well anyway, take off all ya jewelry, rings specially, cuz your whole body is gonna swell like a June tick on a hound dog.  Loosen that belt and take off your tie.  Y’all are weanin a tie aint ya?  Be sure to get them there shoes off right away, even if he done stung you on the nose.   Your feet are gonna swell and it is better to get those shoes offa you foots before you gotta cut the shoes laces.  I know you got shoes or those sissy sandals cuz if you be a wearin boots, you should, that there sting ain’t never gonna happen.

BOIL SOME WATER!  Sorry, that is for deliverin babies.  Tell y’all bout that later.  Not hot, hot water but warm water is a what y’all need.  Just like it come outta that there pipe is what y’all need and some good old fashion lye soap.  OK you can use any soap.  Still with me?  Wash and wash the wound real good now, hear me?  Feels good don’t it?  Now the best part.  Put away that knife pardner, ain’t no cuttin gonna take place on my watch or on your sting neither.  Did I mention that scorpions glow under a black light, can sting several times and the worst thing that can happen is death?  Now y’all are gonna put somethin cold on where he done stung.  Like ice,  sure wish you hadden a not wasted that good whiskey on that there sting.  Now take away that there ice for bout as long as you had it so close to ya skin.  Repeat until done and then one more for good measure.

Put away the aspirin, and the ibuprofen.  Those things are gonna give you some complications like you ain’t never seen before and that is just the beginnin.  No what y’all need is plain old Tylenol, 1-2 tablets every 4 hours to take away the pain.  Remember so you don’t get addicted to the Tylenol to not exceed 3g per 24 hours.

Do not cut into that then pesky sting and don’t go a suckin of it like a newborn calf.  It done be to late.  Nothin good gonna come from that.  Did I mention that scorpions glow under a black light, can sting several times, the worst that can happen is death, and there are about 2,000 kinds of the little critters but only bout 25-40 pack enough punch to cause a real problem?

Well there you have it.   All you need to know about them there little critters.  Gosh, all that we learned in first grade just after Joey swatted one crawlin up his leg.  Did I tell you that scorpions……………..

Glenn Koons

One Comment

  1. J-Dub

    May 12, 2015 at 9:03 am

    Uh, speechless…….